The Emotional Toll of Divorce: What to Expect

Yes, getting a divorce will cost some money. But most people don’t think about the other costs to ending a marriage. This article addresses the emotional costs of a divorce. When considering how you want to get divorced, these emotional costs should be top of mind for you because even if you and your spouse are able to avoid a financially expensive divorce by being reasonable and respectful, there is no way to avoid the emotional costs. You can, however, minimize the emotional pain by committing to divorcing with integrity and dignity.

1. Your children, if you have any, will suffer the most and for the longest. Children are usually affected negatively by divorce for the rest of their lives. Learn more about children and divorce and issues of divorce with children.
2. You will suffer emotionally and physically as you adjust to no longer being married. Even if you can’t imagine it now, you will probably miss your spouse. Usually considerably. You will have to adjust to a new life apart: no longer single, no longer married, you would now be “divorced.” It is a one-way door. Once you go through with the divorce, you will never be the same again.
3. Your family and friends, on both sides, will suffer emotionally and possibly ethically. Sometimes friends and even family feel they have to choose sides between the two of you or have to stick up for one of you.
4. Divorcing will not alleviate your mental health issues or symptoms. Divorce rarely makes mental health issues go away. Almost always the person experiencing the issues must work through the proper steps himself or herself to alleviate the problem, even after the divorce.

Maybe Divorce is Not the Right Option Right Away

Divorce impacts every area of your life. Almost all the people in your life will be affected by your divorce, and mostly in bad ways, unless you and your spouse can commit to a better way, a more peaceful process, a collaborative divorce.

Just because your marriage is over, doesn’t mean you need to get divorced right away.

Getting a “reflexive divorce” will have negative repercussions for you and your kids for years afterward—even if you’ve contemplated it for a long time. What is a reflexive divorce? It’s one where you and your spouse decide the marriage is over and you file papers to legally end the marriage.

Wait. What?

If the marriage is over, of course you file papers, right? The marriage is over.

Not necessarily. If everyone is safe, there is minimal open hostility and conflict and finances are sound, sometimes the best thing to do is wait.

The average couple suffers for many years before making the difficult decision to divorce. Once the decision is made, the dissolution wheels are set in motion: Legal professionals are hired, petitions are filed and off you go into the divorce abyss.

The process can sometimes feel like it takes on a life of its own. At times, you may even feel like you’re wrestling with a pig. Plowing through the finances, splitting of assets, making child custody arrangements and deciding who, if anyone, will be able to keep the house, must be done in order to get to the end goal: dissolving the marriage.

While few people feel “good” after a divorce, many experience relief (or at least they may feel less bad), than when they were feeling stuck in the requisite legal morass. Yet, when it comes to each person’s life post-divorce (including the kids’ lives), divorced families have to rebuild from ground zero. More times than not, one or both parties suffer from a greatly lowered standard of living—at least temporarily, if not longer.

The average length of time it takes couples to be granted a divorce after filing, according to Nolo.com, is 11 months.

The Normal Order of Things in Divorce is The Wrong Order of Things

Normally, when a couple decides to call it quits, it goes like this:

1. Couple decides the marriage is over (or one person blows the family up so it’s over).
2. The couple hires divorce professionals (lawyers—collaborative or litigating—mediators, financial specialists, custody evaluators).
3. Couple files for divorce.
4. Couple takes months to divide up assets and create a custody plan.
5. Two individuals now try to figure out their future living on half of what they had with twice the amount of expenses. Kids bear the brunt of the split. Parents are stressed. Everything is hard for a long time.

In some cases, such as those where there is an extremely unhealthy or unsafe dynamic, an immediate exit is the only option. Staying another minute with the person who betrayed you, hurt you, or who is threatening you is simply not viable.

But, for the majority of couples on the brink of divorce, there is much more latitude to take your time and map it out.

In these cases, the course of dissolution events would look like this:

1. The couple decides marriage is over.
2. The couple maps out a financial, parenting, and emotional “exit plan.”
3. If they want to spend the time, the couple takes steps to build reserves (a divorce savings account plus extra savings for each spouse), go back to school, sell assets, pay off debt.
4. The couple prepares children for life with parents living apart by spending time with kids separately, letting them know the nature of the relationship between Mom and Dad (or Dad & Dad/Mom & Mom) is changing but that they (the kids) will always be loved by both and that they (the family) will always be a family.
5. The couple meets all the goals set.
6. Once ready, the couple hires collaborative divorce and complete an uncontested legal divorce.
7. Two individuals land on their feet. Kids are happy. Parents are relieved and ready to move on.

Approaching your divorce with a thoughtful plan that not only considers the financial aspects but also considers the emotional will always yield a better result. Contact us at the Collaborative Divorce Center to see how we can help.