Making the Transition

This document has been created as a guide for couples who are recently separated. It is intended to help individuals make an easy transition from living together to living apart by acknowledging that boundaries need to change as relationships change. It is also meant to be the basis for an ongoing dialogue between separated or divorcing couples as they define and adjust to their reconfigured relationship.

People who have been sharing a household for some time develop habits and patterns based on that arrangement. When only one person is in the home formerly occupied by both, issues of privacy for the person who remains in the residence arise, while the person who moved out may feel displaced and separated from familiar surroundings and creature comforts. A period of adjustment is to be expected, during which time clear communication is critical. As difficult as these conversations may be, they are less difficult than the kinds of hurt feelings and unintended consequences that will likely be the result if they don’t occur.

Discuss and agree on the following issues regarding access to the property:

• Will each person possess a key to the other spouse’s residence?
• Are there recurring occasions when one spouse has permission to enter the residence of the other spouse when the resident is not present? If so, what are those occasions? (Note: Specific needs may arise from time to time when the non-resident is given permission to enter the premises when the resident is not present. These should be discussed on a case-by-case basis. This question addresses recurring events.)
• Will the locks be changed on the doors of the marital residence? If so, what is the date by which the locks will be changed?
• How much notice will one spouse expect if the other needs to come to his or her residence?
• What information will be given to friends and family members and how will it be disseminated?
• If calls are received at the marital residence for the spouse who moved, how should telephone calls for a spouse be redirected?
• Who should be notified in the event of an emergency?
• If mail is received at the marital residence for the spouse who moved, how should it be delivered?

Most people find that the following rules help them make the transition easier for all concerned:

• Neither spouse should go to the residence of the other spouse unannounced, or enter the house or go onto the premises without an invitation or permission from the resident.
• Neither spouse should sell, discard or destroy anything in that spouse’s possession without first asking the other if he or she wants or needs the item. Property or household items will be accepted or declined within one week of receiving notice that a spouse intends to discard the property.
• The spouse who continues to live in the marital residence will make reasonable accommodations for the other spouse to retrieve his or her personal items from the residence.
• Neither spouse will enter the residence of the other spouse without ringing the doorbell or knocking and gaining permission to enter from the resident.
• Neither spouse will remove any item from the other spouse’s residence, permanently or temporarily, without the knowledge and agreement of the resident.
• Both spouses will keep all furniture, clothing and personal property safe and in good condition to the best of his or her ability. Both spouses will notify the other spouse in the event there is damage to any property that has not yet been divided, or that belongs to the other spouse.