Thinking About Divorce? Start With These Questions

People often assume that by the time someone meets with a divorce professional, they have already made a decision.

That is frequently not true.

Many people come in because they are uncertain. They know something in the marriage is not working, but they are not sure whether they want a divorce, whether the relationship can change, or what their lives would look like if they did separate.

Sometimes the question is not “Do I want a divorce?”

It is simply, “What do I do now?”

You do not need to make a final decision before you begin gathering information. In fact, understanding your situation more clearly can help you make a better decision, whether that eventually means staying married, separating for a period of time, or moving forward with divorce.

If you are in that uncertain place, these are some of the questions I encourage people to consider.

What Is Making Me Think About Divorce Right Now?

This may sound obvious, but it is worth answering honestly.

Was there one significant event that changed the relationship? Has there been a long period of conflict, distance, or unhappiness? Are you exhausted and simply hoping the current situation will stop?

Sometimes people begin thinking about divorce because the marriage itself has reached a breaking point.

Other times, they are reacting to a particularly difficult period in the relationship.

It can be helpful to understand what has brought you to this point before deciding what to do next.

Am I Trying to Make a Decision, or Am I Trying to Get Relief?

When people are overwhelmed, they often want the discomfort to stop.

That can create pressure to make a very large decision quickly.

Before doing that, it can help to ask whether you are truly ready to decide or whether you need some space, information, support, or relief from the current situation.

• You may need boundaries.
• You may need financial information.
• You may need counseling.
• You may need to understand what separation would actually involve.

Needing relief does not necessarily mean you have already made a decision about the marriage.

What Would Need to Change for Me to Want to Stay?

This is often a useful question because it makes the problem more specific.

If your answer is that there is nothing that could change your mind, that gives you information.

If your answer is that you would want to stay if communication improved, trust could be rebuilt, responsibilities became more balanced, or a particular problem was addressed, that gives you information too.

The answer does not obligate you to stay.

It simply helps you understand what you are hoping for and whether you believe that is still possible.

What Am I Most Afraid Will Happen If I Leave?

Fear plays a large role in divorce decisions, and some of those fears are very practical.

People worry about money, housing, parenting time, retirement, health insurance, their children’s reactions, their spouse’s reaction, and whether they will regret the decision later.

Some of those concerns are based on real issues that need to be understood and planned for.

Others feel larger because there is not enough information yet.

For example, you may be afraid that you cannot afford to live separately, but you may not yet know what your actual post-divorce financial picture would look like. You may be worried about what will happen with the children without understanding how parenting plans and time-sharing are addressed.

Getting information will not make the decision easy, but it can make the situation more understandable.

What Do I Know About Our Finances?

You do not need to become an accountant before thinking about divorce.

You should, however, have a basic understanding of your financial life.

What income comes into the household? What are the regular expenses? What accounts, debts, retirement plans, insurance policies, and significant assets exist? Do you know where financial records are kept and how to access them?

For many people, this is the first time they have looked closely at the complete financial picture of the marriage.

That is not unusual. In many couples, one person handles most of the finances.

If that describes your marriage, gathering information is a reasonable early step whether or not you ultimately decide to divorce.

What Would Everyday Life Look Like If We Separated?

People understandably think about the large questions first.

• Who keeps the house?
• What happens with the children?
• How will the money work?

But it can also help to think about ordinary daily life.

• Where would each person live?
• Who takes the children to school?
• What happens on Wednesday afternoon when someone has soccer practice?
• How would bills get paid during a separation?
• What happens with pets, holidays, and work schedules?

You do not need answers to all of these questions right away.

Thinking through everyday life can make the situation feel less abstract and help you identify the practical issues you may need to address.

If you are considering living separately before making a final decision, our article on trial separation in Florida may help you think through some of those questions.

What Kind of Help Do I Need Right Now?

One of the common assumptions people make is that the first step in thinking about divorce must be hiring a divorce attorney and starting a legal case.

Sometimes legal advice is exactly what you need.

Sometimes you need something else first, or something in addition to legal advice.

You may benefit from talking with a therapist about the relationship itself, a financial professional about what two households might look like, a divorce coach about communication and decision-making, or a mediator about how a structured conversation could work.

You may simply need a consultation to understand your legal rights and options before deciding anything.

Our article, How Much Help Does Your Divorce Need?, looks at the different levels and types of support families may use during divorce.

The goal is not to involve more professionals than you need. It is to identify what you need help understanding.

Have I Talked With My Spouse?

This depends very much on your situation.

In many marriages, one spouse has been thinking about divorce for months or even years while the other person does not realize the relationship has reached that point.

In others, both people know the marriage is struggling but neither has been willing to say what they are considering.

A conversation may be appropriate before taking further steps, but it should not be forced if you are concerned about your physical safety, financial security, or your spouse’s likely reaction.

If you are unsure how to begin that conversation, we have written about how to tell your spouse you want a divorce and what can happen when one spouse is ready for divorce and the other is not.

You do not need to have the perfect speech prepared. You do need to think about how to begin the conversation honestly and safely.

What Would I Like This Process to Look Like If I Do Decide to Divorce?

Most people spend much more time thinking about whether to divorce than how they would like the divorce itself to happen.

If you do move forward, you may have choices about how disputes are resolved, how professionals are used, how much control you retain over decisions, and how much conflict becomes part of the process.

Mediation, Collaborative Divorce, and traditional litigation are different ways of handling divorce.

You do not have to choose a process before you know whether you want a divorce. But it can be helpful to know that there are options.

Divorce does not automatically have to become a fight.

You Do Not Have to Decide Everything Today

One of the hardest parts of thinking about divorce is the feeling that you should already know what you want.

Most people do not.

You may feel certain one day and uncertain the next. You may be worried about hurting your spouse, your children, or yourself. You may also be worried about staying in a situation that no longer feels workable.

It is reasonable to gather information before expecting yourself to know the answer.

If you are still trying to understand where you are in the decision-making process, our Divorce Readiness Quiz can help you identify some of the issues you may want to think about more carefully.

And if you would rather talk through your options with someone, you can begin with a confidential conversation.