The Collaborative Divorce Center

How Not to Say or Do Something You Will Regret

Avoid a fight with your spouse. How Not to Say or Do Something You Will Regret

Avoid a fight with your spouse with these 3 steps

Avoid a fight with your spouse with these three steps: Pause, breathe and question.

Avoid a fight with your spouse and make the moment less stressful. When we experience an something triggers a reaction, we can use that reaction as information instead of an invitation to react.

STEP ONE: Pause.

Literally stop – total stillness in all ways. Steady,  soften & turn our gaze upward. Recognize that our brain is on the verge of hijack, and that we have choice. The goal is to DISRUPT THE OLD PATTERN OF RESPONSE. 

STEP TWO: Breathe.

Conscious, slow, breaths, in and out through the nose with a pause at the top and a longer exhale than inhale. There’s a great book called BREATH that is an entertaining, educational download on the science of breath. One of the best books I’ve read in 2020.  As you are breathing identify the emotion you are feeling-anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, etc.  Identify where in your body you are feeling this emotion.

 Tell yourself that it belongs here. Welcome it in. 

Stay in step two until you “feel” your nervous system reroute: You might feel your breath smooth out & lengthen, your chest constriction relax, your belly unclench and your jaw soften. You might also feel less rigidity / amplification of your thoughts. The key is to STAY. The brain will NOT be a proponent of this so SUSPEND DISBELIEF and OVERRIDE its habit.

STEP THREE: Ask yourself the “reframe” question.

What qualities do I want to embody in this situation to create the highest good for all; including myself? Or: Who do I want to BE in this moment? OR: If I’m living at my potential, what would I be doing and modeling in this situation?

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